“I think I’ll have to take the 10 o’clock bus. You can catch yours before that, I guess. So you can go in that.”
“I know. I will.”
A stark contrast to the nights before, where he wanted to take the same bus as me, however late that was. In that moment, I felt a tiny crack appearing deep within my heart. But I quickly covered that up.
“If you want. That is.” I replied.
“I do.”
And then I felt another. Caught between the hurt and effort to keep up an unaffected expression on my face, I felt a storm building up inside of me, just as the air surrounding us started swirling as well. A storm was coming. We both knew it. Though now I know that it was not just where we were standing, but also deep within us.
“Maybe I’ll just walk home.” I said, still trying. To know if he really wanted this. For me to be gone.
“You can start walking now then.” He said, edging my fears in stone. So I just smiled. I knew I loved him. I wasn’t sure if I was in love with him but I definitely knew that I loved him deeply. And if this is what he wanted, I’d give it to him gladly, no matter how badly it hurt me to do so.
“Okay then, I won’t talk to you when we see each other again.” I said, plastering a smile on my face. I turned away from him and started walking towards the darkness awaiting me.
“This might be the last time we meet each other like this.” I heard him call back after me. “Stay.”
That one word was enough to stop me right there, dead in my tracks. I turned back towards him and took a few steps in that direction. And there, I stayed. There we stayed, in silence. Many unspoken words hung between us but we did not dare break that silence at that moment.
But then a while later he did. “You can go home if you want.”
“I know.” Is all I said.
“Wanna walk?” He asked and started walking in the opposite direction of where both our destinations lay. But without a word I fell into step alongside him, unaware of what hurt awaited me next.
Memories flooded my mind. Movies in the park, laughing in the dark, long walks around the city, and moments of complete silence and stillness where we just sat in each other’s presence. Playful little gestures, and the silliest talks about Frodo and Samwise. Or even Swiss family Robinson. So many memories that seemed to take place within such a short time span, yet had now started haunting me even before we said goodbye. We were confused. About what we were.
More than friends, less than lovers but nothing in between either. No labels, no strings attached; or so it was supposed to be.
“Do you think I’m playing with you?” He asked out of the blue.
“What? No. No I don’t think that.” I said, because it was true. I was the only one responsible for my actions. I chose to keep this up. To keep meeting him. So it was all on me, not him. “I don’t know what this is or what we are but I know that I’m not the one for you.” As much as I wanted to believe that statement, it would be a lie if I said that a tiny part deep within me wished for him to feel differently about it. Or at least that someday he would feel differently about it. But I knew that was not gonna happen. And as much as it hurt me to say those next few words, I knew I had to. For him. “I know, I always knew, that she’s it for you.”
“She is. She’s such an incredible person…” he started speaking about her, while I was trying not to let those words break me. His words from earlier that evening also kept ringing in my head as I decided to just push through.
“I wanted to meet you today to tell you that we can’t be friends anymore. I decided that I’m only gonna be friends with the woman I’m gonna get married to someday. If I get married.”
“Right. Sure.” I answered simply as I thought that he was joking. He is such a jovial character after all, so I decided to play along. But as the minutes ticked away I realized that this was far from a joke. And then I started to feel my gut drop inside of me. But I acted nonchalant, because of course, I never let people see how they can break me.
“How are those feelings of yours? Towards me?”
“They’ve lessened, I guess.”
“Ah. I’m not confused anymore. She is it for me. I realized that over the weekend.”
A minute of silence passed between us before he spoke again. “Do you still feel those feelings so intensely?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. I know this is weird, okay? I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. And I’m also trying to figure out what this is. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“Well I don’t like that.”
I looked down at that answer. For a moment I couldn’t form any response as we walked under the streetlights. The words were stuck in my chest. Some, unformed yet. “I know” is the only response I was able to whisper back at him. But I’m not sure he even heard it. I couldn’t stop caring about him. Whatever happened between us tonight, I knew that I’ll never be able to stop myself from doing that. But I also knew that the main reason for that was because a part of me didn’t want to stop.
I realized I had come out of my thoughts as we reached the crosswalk. I was back in the present now. The night, as dark as can be, though a storm was still brewing . He had stopped talking about her as well by this point. And I decided to keep up my facade of being unaffected by this whole situation. We crossed the road swiftly and he started talking about some guy I “should try dating.”
“Nah he’s not my type.” I tried to laugh it off, because what else could I do? Could I have told him that I didn’t wanna think of anyone else right now? But then, that would raise the question of “Why?”. And I knew that I wouldn’t want to answer that question, ever.
“Okay well what’s your type? Don’t say you don’t know cause that would be a lie” he quickly countered.
“I mean, I don’t know how to put it into words.”
“Try.”
And I decided to let myself be vulnerable for a moment. I didn’t want to be, but with him I did. He saw some fundamental part of me that no one so far had been able to see. I was so used to wearing a mask that no one thus far had been able to even notice that. And I liked it that way. It kept the drama away and that was good for me. But he saw me. And I think that’s part of why I ended up in this situation in the first place. Because he made me feel seen, and until then I had never realized how much I wanted to be seen like that.
But now that part of me wishes that he never had seen me. I wouldn’t have been hurting like this if he just didn’t notice me in the first place. But he did. And now we’re here. There’s nothing left to do now than move forward from where we are. So I tried to speak as little as possible when I answered that question.
“I just want someone who’ll make me feel like all the pain is worth it.”
He looked at me, urging me to explain that statement further. So, I did.
“I try to keep as few people in my life as possible because people hurt people. People hurt me. And if I have only a few people then I’ll only be hurt a little. And one of the main reasons I don’t want to get into a relationship is because I don’t want to let anyone in that close, to give them the ability to hurt me.”
“Well that’s human nature. No one is perfect. We’re going to hurt each other no matter what.”
“I know. I just want someone to love me enough to make me feel like all the pain that comes with it is worth it.” ‘Like the high is worth the pain’ I thought to myself.
“You know only one person can really love you like that. And that’s God.”
“I know.” I said, looking down as the steps we took held a steady pace. “But it’s not the same.” I didn’t further elaborate on that. How could I have? How could I tell him that I just want someone to hug me when I cry? To tell me that everything will be okay? Who’d offer me a shoulder to cry on and call me when I’ve been silent for too long? Those were only supposed to happen in fairy tales. And this was real life. There were no Prince Charmings here. Just morally grey people. And I know that I was one such person. And so was he.
I noticed we were moving towards an area of the city I wasn’t much familiar with. I wanted to ask him where we were going. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I knew, my brain knew that it wasn’t the smartest thing to do. To follow a guy into uncharted territory late at night – but in that moment I trusted him. So the words never moved past my lips. At the end we reached a bus stop. And we both came to a halt there.
Tiny droplets of water started spattering on my face every few seconds, as the storm finally started taking its more tangible form. A strong cool breeze kept my dress lapping against my body. Yet the silence between us remained louder than the sound of the rustling wind and thunder overhead.
“Do you really think that there’s nothing you have to change about yourself? That you have to work on?” He said, breaking that comfortable silence. I didn’t want to answer that question either. I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I’m broken beyond repair. That life cut me too deep.
So I simply replied, “No.”
“Are you sure? That there’s absolutely nothing?” He pushed again. I didn’t understand where he was going with this but I didn’t much like it.
“I know what’s wrong with me. And there’s nothing anyone can do to fix it. No one can give me what I need to fix it.”
“Well you can’t say that if you haven’t actually tried.”
“Therapy can’t fix what’s wrong with me.”
“You can’t presume that without actually giving it a try.”
“No, I know.” I insisted.
I really didn’t wanna think about that. Not in that moment. Not ever. But then his hand crept down my arm and he intertwined his fingers with mine. His grip was firm. And I tried to pour in a similar effort, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t that strong in that moment. But that gesture made me feel safe. In ways that words could never explain. For a tiny fraction of time he was letting me know that he was with me. That he was there. And that he was holding on tight to me, and not letting go. I didn’t dare look at his face. I just stared right ahead at the street, where a bus or car passed us by every few minutes. And then he got through to me, as he had many a time before. Well, at least more times than I’d like to admit to myself. He was able to sneak in through some tiny crack in my well built wall and make it to the inside. And I had no choice but to let down my guard in that moment, because he was already in. There was no point in holding back now. It wasn’t exactly a decision. It was more like an instinct. A feeling of security washed over me. So I spoke.
“I just need someone to stay.”
He turned to look me in the eyes, and I met his gaze. There was sadness there, in his eyes. And understanding. Regret? And maybe disappointment. But he just squeezed my hand harder and kept looking into my eyes. But I broke that eye contact of ours and looked back ahead, and continued speaking. I didn’t want to give into the possibility of something more lingering there in his eyes.
“All my life – everyone that comes into it just keeps leaving. Either by choice or by fate’s cruel play. They all leave me. So all I want is for someone to just stay. For once.”
A moment of silence, and something that can’t quite be put into words passed between us. I was being vulnerable. Probably the most vulnerable I’d ever been in a very long time. But I wasn’t regretting it. At least not in the way I was supposed to.
“I’m sorry I can’t be that person for you.” Was all he chose to say.
I didn’t look at him. I knew he couldn’t be that person for me. Cause I knew from the beginning that his heart belonged to another. So then why was I here? I didn’t quite know. Sometimes you just want to feel like your existence matters to someone; when all your life people have just needed you for only their benefit, the slightest gesture that makes you feel like you’re wanted, and not needed, comforts some long forgotten part of you that you didn’t even know existed. And then you grow accustomed to the presence of that individual, to the point where even the stupidest excuse to just being with them seems logical. But nothing was logical about this. About us. Because I knew that he wasn’t the one for me. But maybe I just wanted to pretend that he was, at least for some time.
He brought my hand up to his chest and laid it over his heart, his fingers still tightly interlocked with mine, as he gave me a sad smile.
“Is this making it worse for you?”
I just nodded “No” with my head in response, because I didn’t want to lie. But I didn’t know what was a lie and what was the truth at this point. My hand in his felt comforting. And safe. So it wasn’t making anything worse in that sense. It was only making me feel better. Cause I knew I still had him. But at the same time I also knew that it was, in fact, making it worse. Because I knew that with every passing second, the moment at which our hands were to separate was only drawing near. And even that thought physically hurt me to think about. I knew that the weight of reality was going to hit me any minute now, but I just wanted to not think about that for some time. I just wanted to be in this beautiful moment for a bit longer. This beautiful, fleeting moment which I wanted to cling on to so desperately. So I let him hold on to my hand, the same way I was holding on to him.
The storm overhead only seemed to grow worse with every second that passed. I looked up at the dark gloomy sky and I saw it. This storm was going to uproot some really strong trees. Golden streaks of lightning appeared to tear open the sky every now and then. The wind only seemed to grow stronger and faster as time passed. But his hand was in mine, reassuring me of his presence, which in that moment seemed like the only thing that mattered. Oh how foolish of me to think like that. But then again, love does make you a fool.
I sighed and looked back at the road ahead. I dreaded the next few moments. Because I knew that our bittersweet goodbye was just moments away, as now it was almost 10pm.
“You’re pretty, and smart.” I heard him speak, but I didn’t actually believe any of that. Because I was neither. I don’t know why he thought of me that way, but I, though I would never admit it out loud, for some reason liked feeling that way.
“You’ll find that person one day.” He said just as I saw my bus pulling into the bus stop.
This was it. This was goodbye. The next time we saw each other we were gonna be strangers. All those moments leading up to now were to be shoved down into the darkest corners of our being, never to be brought back up to see the light of day ever again. And we could never be us again. The next time we saw each other we would act like none of these events had occurred. This was the end of us, and as much as it hurt me to let go, I knew I had to. Because now I was sure; this was what he wanted. And I loved him enough to acknowledge the fact that he deserved so much better than me. And in that moment I realized that that quote is true after all. “When you love someone you’ve gotta learn to let them go”. And I wanted him to be happy more than anything. No matter how high the cost of that was going to be for me. And that happiness of his lay with her, not me. So with a heavy heart I turned to look at him one last time, with a slight smile. He had already seen the bus that had arrived and in his eyes I saw it; he knew that this was it too. He smiled slightly at me and I waved goodbye to him with my free hand, then I turned towards the bus right ahead and started walking towards it, fully aware that our fingers were still intertwined. And as I pulled away from him, I felt my hand slide out of his; and the contact between our skin was suddenly no longer there. The absence of his fingers against mine felt too heavy to ignore. But I pushed forward, not daring to turn back towards him, because I knew that I wouldn’t be able to let go if I turned back now. I was doing this for him. For him I could do anything. Even if it meant breaking myself in the process. So I boarded the bus and caught a seat just as the downpour started to worsen outside. And in that moment, I was holding onto myself more tightly than I would like to admit.
Some people come into our lives to teach us how to love, and sometimes that’s all. They teach you how to love, but they never will be the object of that love. Something inside of me was broken permanently because of this. Because of him. I’d never felt this kind of pain or hurt ever before, and I never wanted to experience this ever again. But he was okay. And that’s all that mattered to me. Because at the end of the day I knew, so darn well, that even though I wasn’t the one for him, I’d love him from the sidelines, always.
Maybe some stories are meant to be left unfinished, just like the movies we start watching, but never quite make it to the end of.
Written By: Leandra Shiyara
Image courtesy: https://shorturl.at/zbCAL